Where to start…all of my childhood to adulthood it was ingrained in my head through TV shows and watching families around me that when I found the man of my dreams and got married one day that the next step would be to have a baby. Not once in my years of picturing and wondering about the man I would marry and the family I would have did the thought ever occur to me that there might be a chance that I couldn’t have a baby. It’s just something that people don’t talk about. It’s that quiet yet large elephant in the room that no one wants to mention. It’s almost treated like a contagious disease.
When I was 16, my oldest sister, Erin, got married. Of course I joined the bandwagon of people asking, “When are you going to have a baby?” As time went by and they tried to have a baby, it didn’t happen like I had always seen on TV. They tried so hard and went through many tests and procedures. After two tragic miscarriages they were about to give up but with one final try, they were blessed with their son, Walker. What a beautiful child of God he is. His spirit is so genuine. He loves God and loves everyone around him. I know he will grow up to be something great but even now I think he is the greatest!
Fast-forward about six years, when Justin and I got married. I don’t think we had even left the reception yet and had already been bombarded by people making comments and asking, “When are you going to have a baby?” Geez Louise people! Give us a break and let us experience and love each moment we are in before wishing us onto the next.
Justin and I agreed early on that we wanted to wait a few years before even trying to have a baby. We had heard from so many that we needed to enjoy the time together and really get to know each other and learn how to live together. I’m so thankful for that advice because it’s so true. We were content for those years and in our newlywed bliss bubble. I was on birth control and we were loving life.
When the time came for “baby fever” I was so excited and anxious. I guess I thought that I would stop the pill and BOOM be pregnant. You know…like on TV. A couple months went by and nothing. I started researching using “Dr. Google” of course (don’t ever do that by the way!). I read things like, if you don’t get pregnant in 6-12 months of trying there could be problems. I thought, eh, it’s still early on, maybe next month. As each month ticked by there were still no signs of Baby Moore. I didn’t realize that it could take this long, be this hard. It seemed that everyone I ran into was asking why I wasn’t pregnant. Even family started dropping hints and jokes as if trying to persuade us to get moving on the subject.
I kept quiet, laughed at their jokes and went on but really inside it began to wear on me. Each time someone would ask it was harder to smile. I did though because no one wants to hear the real reason we don’t have Baby Moore yet. No one wants to hear about the struggles. I used to ask people the same question about babies as if it was just normal conversation, never thinking about what they were going through. I don’t ask that question anymore, no matter how long people have been married.
I had been taking prenatal vitamins and had just really started to talk to my doctor about my concerns when God called Justin and I to move to Indiana. Talk about a life change. That’s another story though, but through that process, the baby topic hit the back burner. I’m not even sure it was near the “stove” for a while. I was jobless for about five months, most of which was winter season, so I ended up going into a bit of a depressive state. I gained weight and was just not motivated to do much.
Later I did get a job and eventually made myself find a new doctor here in Indiana. Luckily a friend of mine gave me a name of a great doctor to try. The first yearly appointment I just went to do the usual checkup. I liked her. She really seemed genuine and had a great reputation with people I talked to.
At this point Justin and I were in our 5th (ish) year of marriage. People stopped asking as often, as if they’d given up on us too and were disappointed. Even family got tired of asking. I waited until the next year’s appointment to bring up my concerns with my doctor. She immediately jumped into action and told me not to worry, that she was going to help get me on the right track for pregnancy. I started the vitamins again. I even started working out more, thinking that if my body was healthier, maybe a baby would want to live there. Still nothing. Month after month I would wait eagerly for the day my period was to start. And every time without fail it would arrive, like clockwork. I’ve never even skipped a period. My body is so in tune that I know the exact day (most of the time) that it will start, kind of like birth control.
By my next appointment, she began to take more action. She met with Justin and I and discussed options and answered questions. I so appreciated that. My next step was to test my fallopian tubes to be sure I didn’t have any blockages. I can’t even describe to you what that felt like. I had to go to radiology at the hospital for this procedure. I have always wanted a woman doctor for things like this for my own comfort level and what do you know, I ended up with a male doctor that day. I guess that’s one way to get over the fear of that. Justin waited outside as they filled me full of fluid, laid me on a cold surface and moved me every which direction so they could scan and take images of certain areas. It was so uncomfortable. Painful even. When they were finished they released the fluid and I felt like I had wet myself. I felt like a lab rat. Later the doctor shared with me that I didn’t have any blockages. Good news…I guess. But it just left more unanswered questions.
A little while later Justin and I bumped into an old friend who started the conversation with, “I’m gonna get Justin a key.” I looked at him confused and he said “for that chastity belt so you will have you a little one finally.” He laughed and thought he was the funniest thing all while pretty much telling me I was taking too long for societies standards. I smiled and faked a small laugh all while wishing I could crawl away somewhere. Later he found me again and said, “I’m gonna get that key now,” and reached into his pocket laughing. I love this guy. He is a great man, but I didn’t love this moment.
I’ve managed to share a few things here and there with our families so they understand and have been most gracious to leave us alone and not keep asking. I can’t help but feel like I’m letting them down and keeping them from living the dream of having a grand baby (and another grand baby for my side of the family). A handful of friends have ever really asked me how I am and what the situation is. I’m so thankful for their prayers and concern. They check in with me occasionally to see if there’s an update.
At this point there are no answers. I’ve long given up any hope or excitement each month as my period nears. I just know it will be the same old song. I’m also mad at myself for this. I know God can do anything He wants to and He has His own timeline, not mine. I feel like I’m letting Him down by my lack of emotion these days. All I’ve ever wanted to do was have a baby with Justin. I want to be able to make him a daddy and add to our family tree and leave a legacy. Sometimes the silence in this category is deafening for me.
People all around me are having babies. Some aren’t even trying to and they get pregnant. I hear news stories of abused kids and babies that have been thrown away left for dead. It sickens me, yet I battle this alone. At least it feels like it. I can’t give my husband a child and I don’t know why.
We are currently waiting for another test. Justin this time. Once we hear back from that, if that doesn’t give us any clues, then there’s only one more step. We’ve discussed it together and agreed that we know that God is powerful and if He wants us to have a baby then He will make it so. We don’t want to waste money and precious time on tons of tests and procedures that will surely bankrupt us. We want to be good stewards of the money God has given us. We believe He knows that and as we are faithful to Him, He will honor that.
Some of you may know my story of how we came to move to Indiana. If not, I’m sure I blogged about it somewhere. Basically, I wrote about my experience of how God spoke to me during that process. I’ve always been a firm believer that God knows how to speak to each of us as individuals. We may not always listen or be tuned in but He is always trying. God spoke to me during that time via radio, preacher, coffee mugs, books, etc. He found ways to reach me throughout my days with a simple and steady phrase, “Be still and know that I am God.” It didn’t make the process easy but it made it easier knowing that I just needed to trust Him and honor Him. Once I did that, everything fell into place. Just like when Joshua stepped into the water and the waters parted. That only happened after he took the first step/leap.
More and more lately…maybe it’s because I’m getting old (seriously though). The baby topic keeps coming in waves. Each one seems faster and bigger than the one before. I can’t get it out of my head. I don’t want to be an old mom who doesn’t want to play with her kids because she is too tired. But, what if I’m meant to never be a mom at all? Why would God put the desire in my heart if that were true? These are just a few of the arguments I have with myself.
I think I locked myself away for a while and let myself become numb. I think that I wasn’t hearing direction from God because I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t listening to what He was trying to tell me.
Our small group is going through a study right now of “The Purpose Driven Life” by Rick Warren. I was reluctant at first to dive in, but as God would have it, day after day of doing this study, it was like God was talking directly to me. Since this study started, I’ve also heard it confirmed in other things like the songs I would hear on the radio, the thoughts that would pop in my head, the conversations people around me were having. It’s kind of like when you see a certain style of car you haven’t seen before and then all of a sudden you see them everywhere you go. Is it because they’ve never been there or because you just weren’t looking for them? How’s that for profound?
What I’m hearing lately is that God may have another door open for Justin and I as parents. As I was drying my hair one morning, I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular when suddenly I was reminded of the story of Mary when the angel came to see her.
The angel told her, “Don’t be afraid, Mary. You have found favor with God.
You will become pregnant, give birth to a son, and name him Jesus.
He will be a great man and will be called the Son of the Most High. The Lord God will give him
the throne of his ancestor David.
Your son will be king of Jacob’s people forever, and his kingdom will never end.”
He told her she would be having a child. A child that wasn’t hers. And he entrusted her to raise him to become the Son of the Most High. Wow! My thoughts (I consider this to be the Holy Spirit) then turned my attention to how that could relate to me. What if God has a child for me, that isn’t mine, that I am to find and raise into someone that could change the world? (not saying I would get another Jesus haha). How amazing and scary at the same time. But it has renewed my spirit. What if?
Throughout my group’s book study, I’ve been hearing what I feel may be confirmation that this is from God. It even came right out and said, “adopt” in those words one day, when it could have been worded many other ways to describe it. God knows how to speak to us. I don’t know why I had it in my head that He would change His approach. That’s silly. He knows what works for me, so don’t I feel like a goof for not expecting and leaning in to hear.
I’m also learning from my study, as God speaks what it means to be in fellowship/community with others. It shouldn’t be just a surface level communication amongst each other, it should be a deeper level if we are ever to grow together. I’ve spent the last six months of this group only showing people the surface, the good stuff, the stuff I only wanted others to see. Not my weaknesses and struggles. I am feeling called lately to communicate with my coworkers (another form of fellowship) and my group.
I’ve spent my whole adulthood feeling ashamed of my situation. It isn’t something people talk about, but why not? Shouldn’t it be? When we are at our weakest is when we need people there to lift us up, pray for us, encourage us.
Justin and I don’t exactly know our next steps. We still have a few things we wish to pursue with trying to conceive but we are on the same page and want to honor God in whatever we do. Pray for us as we make decisions and go through processes that help clarify our next steps.
Updated… August 18, 2015
Wow, I just spent a few minutes reading this entry I made on a dark day just five months ago. A lot has changed so I wanted to catch you up.
Justin and I spent some time talking with a friend who has adopted through the foster care system. We had decided to explore the adoption option to see where it would lead us. After this meeting it was still so unclear to us what our next steps should be. At this point, like other times in our lives, we didn’t know what to do so we decided to do nothing. We didn’t have confidence one way or another so we were reminded to “Be still.”
A few months went by, summer arrived and so did family. While Justin’s parents and sister were here for July 4th I had gotten pretty sick. I ended up going to the doctor several times over a two month stretch and ended up with bronchitis and a sinus infection that just wouldn’t go away. I went through two rounds of antibiotics and was still struggling. My period hadn’t started like it should (mine always starts like clock work) and I had Googled that antibiotics could cause delays in cycles so I just passed it off as a delay. Finally a friend of mine suggested I take a pregnancy test. That was so far off my radar. I had written it off as no longer a possibility but as she encouraged me and shared that something similar had happened to her when she found out she was pregnant. We decided to get a test.
To our amazement the test came back positive and we can’t wait to welcome Baby Moore to our family at the end of March 2016. God is good. His timing is perfect. He always has a plan and it just wasn’t time until now. He had other things for me to concentrate on until now. So, never give up hope. Listen to what God is telling you and if you don’t know what that is, try being still. He will show you.