going home always brings mixed feelings. it’s the world i used to be in, the world i can no longer return to and the world i long to be in sometimes. i guess there is no turning back. i love going home to see my parents and sisters, but when it’s time to leave i always have to push back tears when i pull away. things will never be the same. tonight while in church…i know i should have been listening to pastor stan but i couldn’t help letting my thoughts take over. i really miss my gma! it gets so hard not to cry each time i think of her. and tonight in church the thought hit me that by not visiting her or communicating with her it was like she was dead already. i know i will never get my gma back the way she used to be. its just so hard to watch her deteriorate more with time. i can’t help but worry that if i go see her she might not remember me. they tell us to stay away so she can adjust but then i think…..there has to be moments that she is herself….even if it’s just for a minute. but she must feel so abandoned….so alone. although we all love her so much…..it must be hard to see from her side. i just cant stand that i dont see her while she is still ‘here’. i just dont know what to do….my heart pounds even before i enter the building about what she’ll say, how she will react….how i will leave. i guess i just wish she was the way she used to be. i love her no matter what though and i hope she knows that. its just something i’ve been thinking about a lot lately and whether i cry or not….it doesn’t go away and the hurt is still there. the bookstore’s got me pretty busy but sometimes at night when things slow down….that’s when it hits me most. i pray everynight that she knows how much she is loved. i’m struggling whether to post this or not. i guess it couldn’t hurt to post it. not like there are a million people reading it.
Archive for August, 2003
just an idea….but maybe i should pick a weird topic and write what i think about it…..when there really isn’t anything else to write about. ok here’s one that matt thomas brought up the other day at work….he says that the only reason most guys will befriend a girl is if he has some kind of hidden intentions toward her….some attraction of some sort. is this true? i dont know. i know that in the past i could relate to that. but i must say not with all of my guy friends. i think there are some that you befriend that you develop a true relationship with as a brother figure of some sort and the others are just for fun/attraction. i think there is something inside almost everyone that another person could find “attractive” if you want to use that word….whether it be a feature or an attitude. all i can say is i’m glad i dont have to worry about all that mess anymore. ok….goodnight to all!
i guess i’m in a weird pondering mood tonight. today at church the flowers were given by an older couple (JC and Moana Sanders) there were 45 roses to represent 45 years of marriage. 45 years!!! i cant ‘even fathom being a part of anything for that long. they make a good team though. at the end of the service tonight they gave roses out to everyone. They were so beautiful! yellow, red, orange, and pink roses.
i think my goal for the next few months is to learn something new….something i’ve always wanted to do and just didn’t know how. not having homework will give me some time if i could just leave work at a decent hour.
i know this is gonna sound mushy and make som of you (not that there are any of you hehe) gag but today justin and i were taking a nap like we usually do on Sunday afternoons…. this time we stayed at my apartment. we fell asleep and somewhere inbetween dreams i woke up and justin’s arms were around me and my head was on his chest and it just felt so good…..so warm …..so right. and i couldnt help but watch him sleep for a little while…our breathing patterns the same…just jumping for joy inside thinking that someday we might have a chance to do that everynight. i never feel more safe than when i’m in his arms. even after all this time he still gives me butterflies. Pastor Stan said the sweetest thing the other day to us after church….he said that he looks at us and he sees how we feel about each other and he sees us at church and it just makes him so happy (well something like that hehe) I think it’s so cool that people can see how much we mean to each other. The other night everything that had been on my mind and worrying me finally got the best of me and despite my best efforts to conceal my pain justin saw right through it. he just let me cry and cry and cry and i cant even begin to tell you how much that meant to me.
ok…..time to do the dishes!
woo hoo!!!! today came with some good news. they finally decided to hire maxine back in the bookstore. we will have some help!!!things are once again…or should i say still stressful in the bookstore and i cannot wait until rush is over. pretty soon we are going to have to start 12 hour shifts (even though i do 10 or 11 hours each day anyway) but still 8-8 can make for long days and weeks. oh well at least maxine is back!